About Erik
4AM. Outside a curtain of rain, inside the smell of stale coffee, old fries and fried eggs. The diner is empty apart from two men sitting opposed each other in a booth. One fluorescent tube flickers. A cup of tea faces a large, damping coffee mug.
MR. CHING
So it’s done?
ERIK
Yes.
MR. CHING
What are you going to do?
ERIK
I don’t know.
Erik gazes outside into nothing in particular.
ERIK
You know, up until about 2011, life was simple. All I had to do was abide my time and dutifully submit to the rules and responsibilities of social life, until some household name band would call me to replace their drummer. That would be the end of my problems, and so it wasn’t a case of “if” this would ever happen, but merely of “when.”
MR. CHING
What happened instead?
ERIK
Understanding. At some point it became clear that my quest of “making it big,” whatever that meant, was an apparition. The difficulty however lay in the fact that I was convinced fame and riches would erase all my problems. Up until that point I could attribute the problems of daily life to my lack of fame. Therefore it felt like I didn’t have to deal with them, or could merely push them forward, until fame and riches were mine.
MR. CHING
What do you mean with ‘problems of daily life?’
ERIK
Well...you know...all those things other people expect you to do. Support a family, pay your bills, not be a burden to society, work jobs you don’t like in exchange for money so you can buy stuff you don’t need, be sociable, available at all times.
MR. CHING
Then you didn’t do all those things before 2011?
ERIK
Yes, I did, but –
MR. CHING
Oh, so you did deal with the problems of daily life.
ERIK
No! I mean, yes, but –
MR. CHING
Did you or did you not deal with problems of daily life before 2011?
ERIK
Man! Okay, I did. Happy now?! But I didn’t like it.
MR. CHING
Ah, you didn’t like it.
ERIK
What’s that supposed to mean?
MR. CHING
What exactly didn’t you like? Writing songs and playing music? Acting on stage? Learning all about human anatomy and physiology in college? Learning graphic design? Seeing the world?
ERIK
No,no, I loved doing all those things. It’s just that -
MR. CHING
Then what do you mean with “abiding my time?” Because that sounds a lot like you had no involvement, or interest, in anything besides your ‘quest.’
ERIK
No, that’s not it.
Erik sighs, while staring at his coffee. He holds the cup with both hands.
ERIK
It’s like, all these different roles we play every day. Every role is played on its own playing field with its own distinct set of rules, which oftentimes contradict. Erik the physio & massage therapist ought to behave different from Erik the waterpolo coach; Erik the responsible citizen ought to behave different from Erik the drummer; and Erik the teacher ought to behave different from Erik the student. The more roles I play, the more playing fields I enter and the more different behaviors are required. Besides having to deal with contradictory rules within playing fields, often playing fields overlap one another. That produces contradictory rules by default. Drives me crazy, how ought I behave when rules contradict? When and where can I be myself? What does that even mean? I thought riches and fame would free me from obeying to social conventions. I believed I wouldn’t have to think anymore about what behavior was required of me – regardless of playing fields.
Mr. Ching looks Erik straight in the face, with a subtle twinkle in his eye, as Erik looks up from his mug. For a moment, their eyes lock. Then Erik looks outside, where the damp cobble stones look like bald heads covering the ground, and back to Mr. Ching.
ERIK
So what am I supposed to do?
MR. CHING
Really?
ERIK
What do you mean?
MR. CHING
You want to get rid of obeying external rules yet you ask me what to do?
ERIK
Well -
MR. CHING
What is it that you want?
ERIK
I don’t know –
MR. CHING
What is it that you truly want? You used to get irritated really quick when things didn’t seem to go ‘your’ way. You’re convinced that if circumstances would have been different, or if only you’d have worked harder, you’d have ‘made it big.’ You have thoughts, feelings and actions you feel embarrassed or guilty about. You feel like you’ve let yourself and everyone else down. What is it that you really, truly want?
ERIK
Dammit leave me alone! I just want peace!
A brief spell of thundery weather passed across Eriks face, before it turned into a curtain of woeful drizzle.
ERIK
All I wanted was to make people happy, make them laugh, show them how to get the best out of themselves.
MR. CHING
Yes, that’s called ‘inflation.’
ERIK
What?
MR. CHING
Inflation. Despite your good intentions, you actually thought you had the power to change people, while you can’t even change yourself. Why do you think people turned away from you?
ERIK
I don’t follow.
MR. CHING
The answer lies in motivation, or intention. Whatever you do, always ask yourself the question why you’re doing it. When you want to make people happy, is that because you ‘ought to,’ or because it’s in your nature to do so? Huge difference! Social convention dictates that you ought to make your fellow human beings happy, but you should not make them sad. Therefore it feels like an obligation to be nice at all times. So what do you think happens when you say or do something which makes someone else mad or sad, particularly someone close to you? You’re going to feel ashamed, guilty and ending up punishing yourself over it by means of all kinds of ways to ‘improve’ yourself. Which, naturally, only leads to more disaster, as the road to hell is full of good intentions – since you’re acting on the principle of ‘please let me help you before you drown, said the monkey while putting a fish safely up a tree.’ If, on the other hand, it’s in your nature to make people laugh, that is if you’re a joker by nature, it doesn’t matter what playing field you’re on. Your nature will adapt itself effortlessly to every one of them; after all the joker is the wild card in the deck that can be any card, or play any role. That’s the quality of the old court jester; because of his joker nature he could get away with saying things the ordinary person couldn’t, like commenting on contradictory rules inside and between playing fields. For example, for decades mainly politicians are opting for less bureaucracy, while in fact bureaucracy only increases. Everybody knows this to be the case. Yet if a politician merely states this fact, let alone opt for more bureaucracy, he’ll most likely be slaughtered by his peers, his adversaries, the news media and the general public. The joker on the other hand can say whatever he likes, because he has no stake in the outcome. That’s what ‘free from social conventions’ really means, for whereas the joker has no attachment to any playing field in particular, the politician is bound at least by the political and the responsible citizen playing fields, and therefore has a huge stake in the outcome of his behavior.
ERIK
I didn’t know –
MR. CHING
Don’t beat yourself up. For why do you think people are drawn to you?
ERIK
But you just said I pushed people away.
MR. CHING
Yes, that happened, but there’s also people who are drawn to you. Likewise you are being pushed away and drawn to people as well. Life is never only black or white, day or night, firm or yielding, love or hate. So, again, why do you think people are drawn to you?
ERIK
I...I honestly couldn’t say.
MR. CHING
Let me tell you this. To know what you want is to know who you are. That is to say: to know your nature is to know what you want. Of course the question then becomes: What is the nature of the human being you know as ‘Erik?’ In other words; who are you?
ERIK
Well, I guess I’m Erik?
MR. CHING
And who, or what, is Erik?
ERIK
Um...pffff...I don’t know.
MR. CHING
That’s the only adequate answer.
ERIK
For the love of God, you just keep talking in riddles. How am I to make sense of them?
MR. CHING
Who wants to make sense of anything?
ERIK
Well since I don’t see anybody else around, I guess I do!
MR. CHING
Who, or what, is this ‘I’ you’re referring to? I guarantee you that any definition you come up with will be incomplete and illusory. Yet that’s exactly my assignment for you: come up with a definition of you, of ‘Erik.’ Define yourself!
ERIK
And how am I supposed to do that?
MR. CHING
What is it that you normally do when you wish to define an object?
ERIK
I suppose you study it.
MR. CHING
Good, then study Erik. Observe what he thinks, feels and does. Observe when emotionally charged thoughts appear, what kind of feelings and actions arise simultaneously, and write them down as soon as calm has returned. What was the motivation for the actions? Were they done because it was Erik’s nature, or were you trying to numb a heavy uncomfortable feeling? In time, you’ll start to see thought and behavioral patterns. You’ll be able to identify emotional triggers, or landmines.
ERIK
And then what?
MR. CHING
Then nothing. Peace will happen, or it won’t. In the meantime Erik will just continue to live life as he always has, because even if he wanted to, he can’t do anything else. Can’t expect a tree to grow wings and join the geese in flight.
ERIK
Of course trees can’t fly. Now you’re just being silly.
MR. CHING
Am I? Smoke over a hill indicates fire. Horns over a fence indicate a bull. Given one corner, you grasp the other three; one glance and you discern the smallest difference. However a lot of people seem to have lost this quickness of mind, or have it so blurred they’ve forgotten that they have it. When the deluded activities of your ego have ceased, then, whatever playing field you may find yourself on, you enjoy perfect freedom – in adversity or prosperity, in taking and giving. Now, tell me, how in fact will this sort of person behave?