What we want vs. What we need

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On the home page of this website the claim is made that to follow our own path is to become truly joyous. Yet what does following our own path mean? How does it look? What are the implications if we do? And where does the jolly part come in? In this blogpost we follow the story of the fallen Hungarian euro-politician József Szájer, who ended up being far from jolly when he denied to follow his own path – that is, hanging naked from a gutter while trying to escape from the police.

Following our own path points to nothing less than The Hero’s Journey as it is so wonderfully penned down by Joseph Campbell in his epic The Hero With A Thousand Faces. Following our own path points to the art of learning to feel, observe, think and judge for ourselves. To find out the difference between what we believe we want and what we actually need, which are usually diametrically opposed one another.

The tension between what we believe we want and what we actually need basically forms the basis for every interesting story. In the 1999 movie American Beauty the protagonist is a middle aged man in a midlife crisis who hates his job and whose marriage is a wreck. Nothing brings him joy anymore as he feels unwanted and unloved. Subsequently he begins to desire a young lady, because he wants the excitement again of feeling wanted and longed for. Yet that desire gets him killed. What he might have needed was a break from everything known to him with the chance of coming to himself. But that would have meant taking a risk, particularly of being scorned for ‘abandoning his responsibilities’. Because what happens when our intrinsic needs do not coalesce with the demands and wishes of our environment, be it family, boss, church, society or country?

If we decide to step out of the rat race for a while to explore our inner world, that means withdrawing from all the roles we perform on a daily basis. In other words, we will physically not be around for a little while to perform our ‘duties’. That’s all fine and dandy if we’re talking a few days or a week. But try to imagine the reaction when we make our wish known to go away for a few months or, heaven forbid, a year. In most cases our environment will do anything in its power to keep us from pursuing our need, because who’s going to fill our ‘void’?

The point however is that in order to find out what we need, we need sufficient alone time. Naturally the amount of time varies per person, but we can never know our intrinsic needs, talents and passions if we are constantly around other people. They continuously tell us who we are, or who we ought to be, from their point of view – just like we tell others who they ought to be as well from our point of view. This is as unavoidable as water in the ocean. Without having made our own hero’s journey we’ll forever be caught up in this trap – and subsequently never be truly free.

So the first difficulty to be overcome is standing up to the scorn of our environment. One of the beauties though is that the moment a difficult decision is taken, without exception help from unexpected places emerges. Ask anyone in a terrible and difficult situation who they could count on and 99% will say: “You know, I would have never expected, but he/she all of a sudden was completely there for me.” While most of the people we thought we could count on were nowhere to be found.

Then comes the next part. What happens when we’re all by ourselves, cut off from our little habits, attachments and luxuries? What happens if we go completely offline to a little cabin in the woods for at least a month? Well, for one the lack of stimuli offers the chance for the incessant chatter in our heads to quiet down.[1] That chatter is usually directed at perceived problems and can range from never ending to-do lists to abhorrent loathing of ourselves, others or the world at large.[2] Yet those problems only arise as a by-product from being with or around others all the time.

The nature of problems is that a particular situation is deemed undesirable by particular people. A situation by itself is never a problem because it doesn’t have an opinion on itself. It’s people who believe that situations are unwanted. When someone finds a situation unwanted, then, and only then, does a situation turn into a problem – for THAT person! Note that the same situation might be perfectly fine for someone else.

Now it depends on the level of unwantedness and the amount of power of such person if he or she will make the attempt to change the situation to their satisfaction. Me receiving a speeding ticket will be deemed a problematic situation if I believe to be the victim of injustice. Yet as much as I want the ticket to go away without having to pay for it, as a mere citizen there’s not much I can do against large bureaucratic systems. In this case what I need is to accept what happened and pay a little more attention to the speed limit next time on the road, because that saves me a lot of energy that I can now spend on fun and interesting things.

On the other end of the spectrum we find József Szájer, a Hungarian Euro politician for the right-wing Fidesz party (and formerly right-hand of Victor Orbán) who was arrested in December 2020 for breaking Covid rules. More particularly he was arrested while hanging naked on a gutter trying to flee the scene, which turned out to be a group of guys hanging out in someone’s flat and, well, enjoying each other’s hangings out. Being part of the ultra-conservative Fidesz party and a married family man made this incident rather juicy.

Yet Mr. Szájer presents us with an interesting case study of what can happen when our intrinsic needs are being neglected in favour of what we think, or believe, we want. For even though he is obviously gay by nature, he was one of the most important architects of drafting the Hungarian constitution in 2011, basically pushing gay marriage back into the unlawful realms. Where did that contradiction come from? Let’s think that through for a bit.

Suppose little József grew up in a ultra-Christian, conservative environment. If sexuality is a topic of conversation at all, throughout his growing up he’ll most likely hear a narrow, one-sided story in which homosexuality is condemned in every way possible. In other words, his culture tells him homosexuality is evil. Try to imagine how he’s going to short-circuit when sometime during puberty all of a sudden he starts to become sexually interested…in boys! Obviously his nature turns out to be gay, but his environment – his culture – tells him that’s the worst thing imaginable.

Here we clearly see the T-junction our József faces. Turning one way represents staying ‘true’ to his culture with the perceived safety his (conservative) environment provides. Turning the other way represents acknowledging his nature, but harbours the possibility of being ousted from his environment. Tough call for anyone to make, and no surprise József chose to repress his nature in favour of his culture. However, as we all know, nature always finds a way…

So what happens now is that a split occurs in the personality of József. Consciously he frantically tries to convince himself that he’s not gay, even to the point of getting married to a lady and making babies. But the more he represses his nature, the more it comes up in his unconscious by means of thoughts, fantasies, desires and urges. The more they grow, the more the need is felt to satisfy them, and since he can’t be open about it, that part of his behaviour goes undercover.

We can bet anything we hold dear though that after every sexual encounter with a man, he condemns himself as he’s sure his environment would if they were to find out. He’s torn between his culture and his nature. By choosing his culture over his nature, he wants his culture because willing is considered a conscious action. But is that also what he needs?

Let’s philosophize further. József climbs the political ladder and at some point pretty much becomes second in command behind Orbán. Then, as by some miraculous power, he gets a chance to draft the Hungarian constitution. It wouldn’t be hard to imagine that József interprets this as a sign of God to, according to his culture, test his faith and fidelity. Simultaneously he could easily convince himself of becoming ‘cured’ of his inner demons were he to make gay marriage a thing of the past in Hungary. All of a sudden it becomes obvious where his motivation came from to make sure these amendments would make the final draft of the constitution – as they did.

On the personal level, of course, nothing changed for József. Imagine his hopelessness if again he felt sexual attraction for a man after the new constitution had been put in effect. Hopelessness turned into carelessness which ultimately led to his arrest.

Yet on a social level the effects of his inner demons were nothing short of deleterious for the Hungarian gay community. On a personal level he found himself in a highly unwanted – and thus problematic – situation. But unlike most people he had the political power to change the situation in which gay marriage was legal. Because of his unbelievably large personal demons, a whole community still suffers for it.[3]

In the end it’s quite unclear what became of József, beside the fact that his political career was over. Yet what could have happened if he’d have chosen to stay true to his nature? Well for one it most likely wouldn’t have caused a whole community to have fallen victim to the whims of one man. Besides that, and much more likely for himself, he would have come out of it a lot healthier and stronger. Yes, the choice to come out of the closet, especially in his particular case, would have taken immense courage and be considered as an incredible leap of faith. By choosing not to do so, he denied himself the chance of finding out who he could really count on, who were ‘his’ people with whom he could build long lasting friendships and relationships. Instead he was torn with anxiety between being found out within his own community and volatile, shallow relationships with men in his shadow existence. He denied himself the chance to develop and grow, both as a unique individual as well as a being completely connected to the universe at large.

So yeah, I’d say what József needed was to have taken the immense difficult step to come out of the closet. This is in no way a judgement on his behaviour because there’s no telling what I would have done if being put in his shoes. But if he would have taken that step, that would have surely meant for him the beginning of his hero’s journey. A journey that could have been the beginning of an immensely meaningful and nourishing life, both for himself and for others.

The beauty is that he would have done it completely for himself and by himself, instead of having been ordered from outside. Once such an experience has been lived through, we’d come out of it as a master of two worlds, able to move freely between the mundane and the transcendent, because we now know that sunshine and rain continuously alternate. That’s where the jolly part comes in, for once we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that pleasure and pain, just like sunshine and rain, continuously alternate, what is there left to be afraid of? This is relevant for everyone going on a personal hero’s journey.

Furthermore our Hungarian example shows clearly how detrimental a narrow, one-sided upbringing of children can be. Therefore I have attempted to come up with a nice little welcome message for any child who recently came out of this world. May it inspire and provide merriment.

“Welcome, little one. We are called your parents. We live our lives according to certain rules and guidelines, and we will teach them to you. However you might one day find out that these don’t apply to your particular nature. Therefore you are encouraged to ask us any question. If we cannot provide you with an answer, you are encouraged to find the answers to your questions elsewhere. In any case, you are encouraged to explore whatever thoughts or actions come to you naturally.

“Furthermore you are regarded a citizen of a particular nation. We will teach you about nations, the current laws of this nation and inform you about the repercussions if you break those laws. Then there’s also such a thing called unwritten laws. These are more like social guidelines, which means that most people in a society expect you to show certain behaviour because that’s supposedly ethical. There are no legal repercussions if you do not comply to social guidelines, but we will inform you how people might treat you if you don’t comply, and what you might expect if you do.

“You shall also encounter problems in life. This is unavoidable, so don’t try avoiding them. Instead, learn to recognize and understand the nature of problems. What exactly is a problem? How did it become a problem? Why is it a problem for you? Does it require a solution right this moment, or is there time to ponder the problem some more? Knowing the nature of problems will tell you that a solution will always present itself, oftentimes without any conscious effort from you.

“You will at some point distinguish between your mind and body, or spirit and matter. Learn about them and understand how they continuously communicate with each other – they never not communicate. Subsequently, learn how communication between your organism and your environment works – also they never not communicate. Remember: Thoughts and actions belonging to your nature go with a quiet mind and a relaxed body. Thoughts and actions not belonging to your nature go with a disturbed mind with incessant chatter and a stiff, rigid body.

“Learn to see that life is a process in constant change. Inside you, cells die and new ones are being created. In your organs chemical changes happen continuously. According to your activities and circumstances, your thinking changes all the time due to thousands of synapses that are fired in your brain. In other words, change in your body and mind happens endlessly and is inevitable. This process corresponds with everything you are going to observe and experience: all that you’ll see, hear, smell, taste and feel is everlasting change. This is nothing be afraid of. As a matter of fact, if you learn to embrace change, you can enjoy life with a vigor and zest unknown to most.

“In the process of growing up, you are going to lose yourself. That is to say you will develop a personality, attached to your name. Before you lack the tools to describe what you experience, you have an impersonal outlook on the world. As soon as you learn to communicate with people, you will develop a personality. While in this phase, you will become entangled in the world of opposites. This is necessary and unavoidable, so embrace it. You will learn the meaning of words like good, evil, love, hate, passion, reason, approval, disappointment, life and death. Since the life process is continuous change, you will learn that every state you find yourself in will at some point pass and transform into another state. Always.

“Lastly, when you feel trapped in the world of opposites, go and find out who, or what, you really are. For the name we give you and your personality are not who you are. Your name is merely a symbol pointing at you, a unique body-mind organism. In that sense your name has the same function as a finger pointing at the moon. Your name is a communication tool necessary to live life among other human beings. Use it as the tool it’s meant to be, but don’t mistake it for your genuine being – just like you shouldn’t mistake the finger for the moon.

“Oh yes, and don’t forget to have a lot of fun!”

Jolly greetings,
Erik Stout

[1] Our brain can be regarded as a stimulus processor. The more stimuli, the more the brain needs to process and is 'on'. The methodology of a Vipassana meditation retreat removes virtually all stimuli from the environment (such as those found in any city in the form of relentless flows of people in all forms of transportation, flickering screens and screaming neon signs), finally giving the brain some rest. In that silence, our intrinsic being is given the opportunity to manifest itself from the subconscious into our consciousness; ergo our true self can show itself.

[2] “Thinking arises from failure. When action is satisfactory, nothing remains to draw attention to.” Quote by Lancelot Whyte.

[3] If my theory is anything to go by, it would put the actions of anyone we call ‘monsters’ into a bit of a different perspective.

be joyous, readErik StoutNovember 19, 2023self inquiry, philosophyComment