Everyone's Path is the Right One

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Image: Erik Stout

'Following our own path is to become truly joyous,’ is stated elsewhere on this website. But what is our own path and how do we know that we are walking it? How does joyousness look from our own path and what does that mean for our basic-state-of-being? And how does joyousness look when we are not walking our own path?

Let's start by determining what is not our path. A few years after the turn of the century, I was talking to a friend and the topic came up on trade unions. Two character traits were still evident in my behaviour at that time: an exaggerated assertiveness and vehemence in expressing my statements. From my childhood I held the opinion that trade unions were old-fashioned institutions which took the life out of small and medium-sized businesses. That opinion was posited it with a lot of aplomb in the conversation, with the unconscious expectation that there would be appreciation, or even admiration, for my ‘brilliant’ thesis.

Needless to say, there was no such admiration, but my friend remained calm and completely respected my opinion. He then gave a number of examples of why, in his view, the trade union, especially when it comes to the rights of employees in large work environments such as education, IT, transport, agriculture and healthcare, can indeed play a significant role for many people.

Immediately upon hearing his arguments there was not only appreciation for them, but there was the realization that I couldn’t but agree with him. That caused confusion in my psyche, because if I agreed with him, how did I come to the opposite opinion? The answer was that that opinion had been copied from my environment, and I repeated it for so long that it had become a seemingly intrinsic part of my organism. Immediately it became clear that this opinion did not arise from own research or experience. Apparently while growing up, I benefited from parroting this particular opinion without knowing what it meant because it took place in a world that I, as a rugrat, did not know or understand at all.

With those realizations an inevitable question arose: if this opinion was not obtained through my own research or experience, how many more ‘parrot opinions, beliefs and prejudices’ are present in my system? We will leave out the expletives being uttered when I went to investigate this; it is sufficient to indicate that there were, to put it mildly, not few of them. With that realization came the next question: whose life was I actually living?

What we see here is the well-known phenomenon of our environment largely determining who we are, or should be, by praising us for behaviour that is approved of and criticizing us for behaviour that is not approved of. The father of Gautama Siddhartha, better known as the Buddha, did everything in his power to keep the prince within the walls of the palace. If our crib is placed in a strict orthodox Christian environment, then an unorthodox sexual orientation may encounter a lot of resistance. The environment in which we grow up will not only pass on its norms and values to us, but in the vast majority of cases, consciously or unconsciously, will expect us to make those norms and values our own – often without giving any handles on how we can find or tap into our own talents or calling (i.e. vocation).

Furthermore, of all animal species we need by far the longest time to grow up and stand on our own two feet. During our first years of life we can only receive information; we are a kind of information-sponge without the ability to distinguish sense from nonsense, ask questions, respond or offer a rebuttal. The more nonsense coming in from our environment, the greater the chance that we will learn to regard that nonsense as truth. The more fanatically our environment regards certain information as absolute truth, the more difficult it becomes later in life for us to be open to different or contradictory information.

The larger the part of our framework of reference[1] which consists of copied opinions etc. from the outside, the greater the likelihood that our basic-state-of-being consists of anxiety. We have taught ourselves to adapt our behaviour to what we think our environment expects of us, but we can never know with 100% certainty. At one time we are applauded, but the next time we get into a big argument because we have ‘misjudged’ the other person or the situation. Each time that happens, our ‘I-can-never-do-it-right’ button is pushed hard and grows again, allowing it to be pushed even faster the next time.

If our basic-state-of-being is anxiety, it cannot be joyful, and where anxiety reigns there is little to no room for laughter. If there is any laughter at all, it is a nervous throaty laugh that is always the result of our conscious efforts to hide something. A spontaneous belly laugh, which portrays the true relaxation of joyousness, is often far-fetched because there is no question of relaxation. Our entire system is continuously seeking approval or disapproval from the outside, creating the belief that our existence depends solely on the approval of our environment. That doesn’t make anybody jolly in the long run.

How, then, do we find our own path? Well, to begin with, signals are constantly bubbling up from inside our own organism. At the age of five I got a toy drumkit which only lasted a few months. Around the age of eight, I made a ‘drumkit’ out of pans and pot lids, which was played with great pleasure and enthusiasm with pencils – after which I asked my parents for a real drum kit and went to drum lessons. On this page you can listen to a small selection of the result, but what matters most here is that the urge to learn to play the drums came from somewhere inside. It surely wasn’t a conscious decision after long and rational deliberation between pros and cons.

This is said toy drumkit as we used it to portray Kiss during a playback-show while in kindergarten (end of 1979 / early 1980). Instead of being the drummer I was bombarded to be the frontman, which is funny since no bandmember of Kiss had blonde hair.

In other words, signs and signals always come up from our unconsciousness to give us direction about the path that suits us best as a unique and particular organism. Just try to think about whether there is a certain activity that you enjoy (or enjoyed) doing without pursuing financial or personal gain. How did you find out that you liked to learn and perform exactly that activity? Especially in our young youth, before life has to be ‘useful’, our talents and passions come to the surface because we do everything we do without thinking about it. Hopefully we have parents who can translate our tendencies into activities that fit those tendencies, but usually we end up ‘choosing’ an education or profession because of a perceived job guarantee or status. With such a choice there is a good chance that we will end up in a midlife crisis somewhere around the age of 40. When the children are almost out of the house, the relationship quit fulfilling its promises already a long time ago and the job is as meaningful and fulfilling as watching a tree grow in real time, where do we get fulfilment from then? What can still provide meaning? And how do we find out? Let’s explore a few possibilities:

1. We leave our known world temporarily behind and allow ourselves a period of playtime.
2. We are going to fully outlive our greatest wish.
3. We are going to investigate which elements of our life still provide fulfilment, or at least harbour the possibility of doing so.

Option 1: We allow ourselves a period of playtime.

As previously stated, our environment largely determines who we are, or should be.[2] This is usually not out of ill will or lust for power, but because we like to see our framework of reference mirrored in others; that provides self-affirmation and therefore we feel affirmed and acknowledged. However, that also means that our environment continuously tells us what to think, feel, do, buy, etc., which makes the chances of communication with our unconsciousness nil. If we want to tap into its wisdom, then by far the fastest option is to temporarily completely let go of our familiar environment.

From experience I would opt for a period of at least three months of which one month is without any contact with the home front (meaning, essentially: phones off). In this way, our ‘umbilical cord’ with our home environment is cut, creating space to listen to ourselves (our unconsciousness), by asking the following question: I’m going to an environment where no one knows me and where I know no one. Nobody expects anything from me and I don't expect anything from anyone. So if there are no expectations, what am I going to do? Then we sit back and relax, while sipping a cocktail, to give our organism a change to experience what we feel like doing. There’s no question that we will do something, because eventually always tendencies will come up urging us to take action. Subsequently we can investigate that activity to see if we really enjoy it as much as we thought we would. Hence: playtime. Nothing depends upon whether or not we enjoy the activity, because if we don’t, we drop it and go back to sitting down and relaxing until another urge comes up – until we finally stumble across an activity that we can completely lose ourselves in. Then we can almost rest assured a calling has been found.[3]

Option 2: We are going to fully live out our greatest wish.

Under the guise of the grass is always greener at the neighbours, many of us have a certain image that would make life completely fantastic if that image were fulfilled: ‘If I have a million bucks, I’ll be happy.’ ‘If I have a partner, I’ll be happy.’ ‘If I have a job with status, I’ll be happy.’

Now we all know that not all millionaires are happy, not all partners are happy and not everyone with a job with status is happy. Yet many of us continue to blindly believe in the image that things like money, status, power and sex promise the ultimate fulfilment – forever. If that belief is deeply entrenched, then the quickest way to find out if our desired state is indeed delivering the fulfilment it promises, is to get into that state as soon as possible. In other words, if we believe that a lot of money is going to give us the ultimate fulfilment, it would be wise to become a millionaire as soon as possible. If it is indeed the fulfilment we expected from it, then making money is our calling. If it does not give that fulfilment, then we can let go of this desire with peace of mind and continue to find out what does.[4]

Option 3: We are going to investigate which elements of our life still provide fulfilment, or at least harbour the possibility of doing so.

Depending on our situation, our life consists of a number of elements, such as: relationship/marriage; work/job; children/parents; hobbies/passions; pets; plants and/or garden; vacation trips etc. If we map out all the elements that make up our lives, which ones are currently giving us fulfilment? Can we indicate why they give us fulfilment, or at least harbour the possibility of doing so? And if they give us fulfilment, is it enough to compensate for the elements that give little to no fulfilment?

When these questions are examined, there is no small chance that we will encounter elements that not only do not bring much fulfilment, but are (or have become) a source of annoyance. The question we can ask ourselves then is: why am I still sticking around in this situation? What does it yield me (and possibly others)? Is this making us all joyous or not? If the answer is ‘no’, please do yourself and the other(s) a favour and leave the situation. Pulling on a dead horse only gets more stinky over time.

Good, so we found a calling, then what? In the blogpost Letting go and Spontaneous Living it is already made clear that people who live their calling are devoid of the ever present undercurrent of anxiety. A calling is deeply connected to our individual natures and talents. In other words, we are doing something that we have a predisposition for and that, by definition, makes it fun and meaningful. Which, by the way, does not mean that we will never experience fearful moments again. But as soon as we live our calling, our basic-state-of-being will cease to be one of anxiety because we no longer have to think, or worry, about what it is we want. Our direction is clear and that means that we no longer have any anxiety about which way to go. As far as I know, most of us become quite joyous about the absence of such a permanent anxious undercurrent.

The joyousness referred to here is linked to our basic-state-of-being. In Christianity, the word ‘joy’ is often used to denote the basic-state-of-being of people who put their lives in the service of God. If it really is their calling to do so, then it makes sense for them to be joyous about it; after all, they know that they are walking the right path for them. In doing so, they experience pleasant and painful moments, just like everyone else, but if the basic-state-of-being is one of joy instead of anxiety, the painful moments can be accepted much more easily and the pleasant moments can be enjoyed to the fullest. This applies to everyone who lives their calling.

Finally, this: whether we live our calling or not makes ultimately little difference in the great movement of the universe. We do what we do in the same way as trees and plants grow, rain falls and steam rises, rivers flow to the sea and birds lay eggs. The life of each of us is unique when it comes to our individual path and not unique when it comes to the total energy that we are all part of. So there is no right or wrong when it comes to living a calling, because whether that happens or not, everyone walks his or her path in the way that it happens anyway. Hence, everyone's path is the right one.

Jolly greetings,
Erik Stout

[1] Our framework of reference consists of that grand totality of all our beliefs, assumptions, prejudices, ideas, likes and dislikes, biases, inclinations, opinions, and expectations. The vast majority of these character traits develop without us being aware of it.

[2] In the same way, we are also part of the environment of others. If we have little self-knowledge, we also try to convince others of the excellence of our personal framework of reference.

[3] Which can of course be anything; from lace making to the volunteer in the Fire Department; from ambulance worker to potter; from economist to historian; from printer to trumpeter. But it does not have to be limited to one activity alone, because how many people do not combine several callings to make it their own, new calling? Above all, let's not limit ourselves!

[4] My promised Valhalla would come about as soon as I would be a rich and famous drummer. But instead of dropping everything to really try to make it in music, I continued to rummage in the margins as an amateur. As a result, it took more than twenty years to find out that my wish was not going to bring the fulfilment I expected from it.