Communicating Wishes and Fears

Reading time: 9 minutes

Not long ago I heard a story about a married lady who experienced extramarital sexual fantasies. She wished to discuss them with her husband, but upon hearing her words he acted as being stung by a wasp. Being highly offended, he thereupon terminated any chance of a mature discussion by asking if she had lost her mind. The irony of course is that the chance of her actually having gone through with it would have diminished significantly, had he merely been open to talk about it without dismissing her fantasy as something evil.

This case is certainly not a stand-alone. How many aren’t afraid to discuss certain sexual longings or desires with a partner for fear of misunderstanding or retribution? And how many relationships didn’t survive when certain ‘uncommon’ sexual fantasies were made into a topic of discussion? Why, despite sex literally being everywhere around us, is it still for so many a big taboo and incredibly uncomfortable to talk about?

As professor Alexandra H. Solomon proclaims: “If you grew up in a house where sex was a taboo topic, or in a community where sex is talked about as sinful or dirty, sex might be something you have but not something you have much permission to learn about or think about.” Without permission to learn or think about sex, sexuality, and intimacy, and their emotional meaning and implications, how can there be any kind of healthy sexual development? How can we find out about this most wonderful of gateways to the deepest longings we can experience as human beings, like connection, belonging, unity, pleasure, comfort, power, validation, growth, and healing, if our environment won’t communicate about it while growing up? Where can we turn to?

The answer to that last question, for a rapidly growing number of people, is: pornography. In a British 2019 BBC online survey, 1000 people between the ages of 18 and 25 were asked about their relationship with porn. 77% of the men watched porn in the previous month and 49% of the women, but a staggering 55% of those men said that porn had been their main source of sex education. That means either their sexual education did not connect with them, as would probably be the case if merely the biological (read: technical) aspect of it were to be discussed, or it wasn’t provided at all. Whatever the case may be, one subject of major importance when it comes to our human sexuality stays completely in the dark. For as fascinating as the biology of sex can be, and as instructing perhaps porn for performance, neither shine any light on the meaning and emotional aspects of sex, with which it is inextricably intertwined. That can cause major problems for us later in life.

Because quite often a one-sided (or lack of) sexual education goes hand in hand with a poor emotional upbringing. For instance, we find that many adult men and women suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome (♂ > ♀), which refers to adults who despite their age got stuck in the psychological & emotional development of an adolescent. This Eternal Child archetype (also known as Puer Aeternus or Puella Aeterna) is integrally linked with the Mother Complex; a situation where adults remain psychologically tied to their mothers. As long as that psycho-emotional umbilical cord is not cut and we mentally remain a teenager, when our buttons are pushed we will react like the adolescents we once were, despite our mature age; which in the case of the Eternal Child archetype is often characterized by an incessant quest for pleasure, loathing of boundaries and responsibilities, feeling of grandiosity, and living a provisional life (hence also the term ‘failure to launch syndrome’). And that can cause major problems later in life for society at large, for Marie-Louise von Franz makes a pretty good case in The Problem of the Puer Aeternus that it’s predominantly Eternal Child-men with a Mother Complex who become narcissistic torturers and establish tyrannical and murderous police systems and –states.

In male sexual behaviour that translates for instance in an endless quest to find the ultimate woman – who naturally doesn’t exist and is therefore a wonderful excuse to resort to Tinder dates, prostitution or porn; anything that represents a safe environment to sample other women (besides the pedestalized mother) without any fear of commitment. Yet another possible scenario is that the man gets caught in a relationship where, because of his (often unconscious) incessant comparing wife with mother, he is never really ‘there’ with his spouse – most notably in the bedroom. When she notices that and wishes to discuss that with him while he’s unconscious of his psychological umbilical cord to his mother and mental development of an adolescent, his buttons will be pushed and he will react dismissive or maybe even aggressive. The point being in both examples is that sex is not a safe topic for discussion as a result of one (or both) adults not having matured emotionally and psychologically. Our ignorance about that will therefore inevitably cause anxiety, anger or resentment as a result of misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations.

Moreover, when porn becomes the main source of sex education, another risk is that the images and stories are taken for real, meaning that men walk around with a perpetual erection and when women say “no” they mean “yes” – to name a few pogma’s (porn-dogma’s). Anyone with the psychological & emotional development of an adolescent will have trouble discerning adult entertainment from real life situations, so as soon as a couple is making out and the man loses his erection, he becomes afraid that she thinks he doesn’t fancy her, she becomes afraid that he doesn’t fancy her, and they both become anxious about their own performance. Without room to discuss what is going on in either, both will inevitably make up their own stories which can only lead to misunderstanding and arguments, or worse.

How, then, can we mature emotionally to the point where we won’t be knocked off our socks if a partner comes with an unexpected sexual request? How are we able to know our wishes and boundaries and cultivate the ability to vocalize them in a calm and respectful manner? Where, despite our buttons getting pushed, we retain the possibility to listen and converse with an open heart and mind? The answer lies in developing a strong sense of self-awareness.

Self-awareness means becoming curious as to why we think what we think, feel how we feel, and do what we do. After getting mentally stuck in 2017, I devised a five-question method for exactly that purpose (which can be found in this blog post) – and which I am using to this day. Imagine my delight to subsequently discover a three-question method by professor Solomon to get insight into our sexual self-awareness. Through her questions: 1) Why am I having sex? 2) What turns me on? 3) How did I learn about sex? insight can be gained into our hitherto hidden sexual drives and motivations, which is invaluable information, particularly for those of us who’ve experienced a distorted emotional and sexual development.

Like many participants in the BBC online survey, porn was also for me the main source of sex education and went hand-in-hand with a poor emotional upbringing. Therefore within me the split between an ever ageing body and a mind being stuck in late adolescence became manifest, and in my case a strong co-dependency developed within my personality from my late teens onwards. The result thereof was a crippling inability to communicate my inner feelings or longings, because I had no idea what they were or where they came from. Naturally that inability caused a lot of misunderstandings and suffering within romantic and sexual encounters and relationships, and if my ex-wife and I wouldn’t have set foot on the path towards self-awareness, I would still be moving around in circles.

The road to self-awareness however also became a road to sexual self-awareness. My divorce marked the first time I’d ever had to run a household completely by myself – at age 45! Yet I know that was the next part of my personal curriculum, however that would turn out. On the romantic field however, still my co-dependent adolescent was active and only recently was I able to make contact with him in consciousness, which led to a remarkable step in my sexual healing process.

Not long ago I met a wonderful lady with whom a close friendship established quickly. Being also physically attracted to each other, we ended up in bed and at some point she began to perform fellatio on me. I enjoyed it very much, but at some point my erection vanished. This has been a problem for me for a long time and naturally I became afraid of her reaction and image of me. So at that particular moment I apologized and told her that as much as I loved what she was doing, emotional buttons were attached to that action which prevented me to stay erect.

The next day though an idea came up which was executed: I decided to discuss my problem with fellatio and subsequent anxiety with her. I told her about my suspicions regarding the arising of the problem, which meant sharing personal and intimate information. That was scary as hell, but at least by making the topic negotiable it would remove the possibility of it beginning to lead a life of its own in both our minds. Furthermore, since I thoroughly enjoy the feeling sensation of fellatio with or without erection, I asked if she’d be willing to keep performing the act even if the erection were to fade.

By asking the questions and sharing my fear with her, on my end a lot of the compulsion of having to always stay erect during sexual play dissolved – which was already healing in itself. Yet what I couldn’t have expected is that relief and healing also happened on her end, because the open atmosphere gave her the opportunity to also share ideas, wishes and fears. Subsequently that evening we enjoyed wonderful sex where during fellatio, all of a sudden it didn’t matter anymore whether or not I was erect. Not surprisingly I cried afterwards, which to me was a release of a decennia-long build-up of sexual anxiety and frustration and a necessary part of my healing process.

Sexual healing happened here for me because instead of pushing my adolescent-me away by means of not talking about my fears etc. with a sexual partner, the opposite happened. Taking my adolescent-me seriously created breathing space and room for respectful discussion about personal and intimate matters, eradicated the usual mindfucks and brought about a sincere and trustworthy environment. Moreover, the ability and space to discuss each other’s sexual wishes, longings and fears, increases the pleasure manifold. Many times just knowing that we can share our deepest sexual fantasies and desires without being scolded, condemned, or demonized, is a bigger turn-on than the fantasy itself. And if both are willing to step into the unknown, the sexual experience can easily transform into a religious or spiritual one.

Making contact with younger versions of me in consciousness (left ca. 1980 - middle 1995 - right 2019)

So please, take the step to put the spotlight on yourself. Use whatever you need to get to know and understand why you think what you think, feel what you feel, and do what you do. If you can use professor Solomon’s or my questions for your process, then do so. Whatever the means, make time to become aware of who you are and what makes you tick, because you’re so worth it.

Jolly discovering,
Erik Stout

How self-wise are you?

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