Don’t Push My Buttons!
Emotional Buttons – Our Stress Response as Protector or Destroyer – A Method for Self-Inquiry
Reading time: 10 minutes
Having our buttons are pushed too often and over a long period of time, tends to wear us out. Image: UrbanOrigami
Everyone understands what we mean when our buttons are pushed. Someone says something or something happens that causes us to experience a strong emotional response as anger, ecstasy, sadness or anxiety.[1] Physiologically, at such a moment our stress response is activated. This is our protective mechanism against external danger and is therefore very welcome in acute life-threatening situations, such as having to flee from predators or out of a burning house.
In this article we’ll briefly examine the functioning of our stress response (or fight or flight response). We will investigate in which cases this response is desirable and constructive, when the same mechanism will turn against us, and how we can recognize this.
A stress response occurs when our brain perceives that we’re in a dangerous situation. In response, it creates physiological adaptations to deal with that threat, whether it is real or not. In other words, when our brain perceives danger, it prepares our body for action.
Broadly speaking, it works like this: after our buttons are pushed, a message is sent from the brain to the adrenal glands to release epinephrine and/or glucocorticoids, which triggers the stress response in the rest of the body. Energy is released from storage spaces in the body and is directed to the muscles that need it most. The heart rate increases, the breathing rate increases, our skeletal muscles tense up and if a button is pushed very hard and our brain assumes great danger, long-term processes such as digestion, cell growth and reproduction are immediately shut down. Moreover, the police and border patrol of our first line of defense become hyper active, while the detectives and snipers of our second line of defence are also shut down.
Now if someone is running towards us while shouting loudly and waving a knife, that is all very desirable, because then we want to put all our energy into getting away. Then there is little point in using part of our available energy to digest our cheese sandwich or regenerate cells; those processes can start working again when the threat has passed.
IF a creep like this comes running towards you while waving a knife, your spress response is the greatest gift imaginable. Image: sik-life
Our stress response is therefore a protective mechanism against external danger. When we were still hunter-gatherers without a fixed abode and we often came face to face with dangerous predators, our realistic anxiety-button was pushed hard. Realistic because the brain rightly assumed that if no action was taken, there would soon be no brain left to do anything in the future. Therefore a strong stress response was set in motion and within milliseconds it was assessed whether an escape route was available or not. If so, all available energy in the body went to the leg muscles to run like we’ve never run before. If we however felt cornered, then severe frustration arose that quickly turned into blind rage. All available energy therefore went to the chest and arm muscles to try to beat up the attacker. The anxiety-button changed into a rage-button and both were effective, because the threat was realistic; namely acute and life-threatening.
Of course such a reaction costs a lot of energy, but such a situation probably wouldn't last long anyway. We either end up in safety or as lunch and in the first case we then have time to recover and especially: to refuel. That means: eating! And preferably in a quiet and safe place so that our digestive system can refill our internal fuel tank.
Eating and sleeping in a safe environment gives our recovery processes a big boost. Image: andreas_danang_a
Since our digestive system is turned off during a stress response, it makes sense that it turns on as soon as we have physically and mentally calmed down. This mainly happens when we sleep, so in healthy conditions we produce energy at night which we then consume during the day. That process works fine as long as buttons are pushed only a few times a day. However, it increasingly seems that our buttons are pushed more and more. How is that possible if we assume that we hardly ever end up in real life-threatening situations anymore?
That has to do with the change in our societies, which have become increasingly large and more complex. It is beyond the scope of this article to go into this in more detail, but the fact is that so-called emotional buttons are nowadays pushed much more often: despite the fact that there is no real life-threatening situation, our brain still assumes danger and starts a stress response for protection. That can have both effective and destructive consequences, depending on the context.
An example of an effective stress response after emotional buttons have been pushed, is when we are about to take an important final exam for instance. At a subconscious level the anxiety-button can be pushed, because we never know how the result is going to turn out. We are not dealing with a real life-threatening situation here, but because a button has been pushed, our brain still triggers a stress response. About an hour before the exam starts, the tension begins to rise and we might feel a bit nervous. That’s fine in itself because one of the effects of the stress response is that it makes us alert. During the exam, we should focus on our work instead of what we want to eat tonight. So as soon as the exam starts, we fully focus on it and usually don’t notice our own nervousness anymore. Then relief and relaxation follow after we have left the exam room because the level of alertness that we needed for the test is no longer necessary. Our brain understands that perfectly well and stops the stress response.
Relaxation after we’ve made it. Image: robtowne0
So far, the stress response is effective. It provides the alertness needed to complete an important task and stops when the ‘threatening’ environment (the exam room) has dropped away. But imagine that we had to sit for final exams in exam rooms every day, ten hours a day, with each exam being equally important. Our heart, lungs, and skeletal muscles would work overtime (and become tense and rigid) while our digestive, immune, and other recovery systems would function increasingly poorer.
But Erik, nobody needs to do ten hours of final exams every day. You’re grossly exaggerating.
Do you think so? Tanya’s experience tells a different story. She enthusiastically starts a new job as a computer expert at a large company. Because she has been hired as an expert, after a few weeks she proposes some IT improvements to her manager. He reacts enthusiastically, says he will start working on it right away and will get back to her shortly. Tanya feels heard and appreciated. But after a week or two, she notices that the chatting colleagues at the coffee machine suddenly leave when she approaches. When she needs help or information, some of them begin to ignore her. She doesn't understand what is going on, so she arranges a meeting with her manager to ask for advice. In that meeting, he ignores her question about the behaviour of her colleagues. Instead, he talks louder than usual and seems irritated. With an authoritarian attitude, he tells her that the IT improvements she suggested are impractical and far too expensive. The current system is working fine and she would do well not to cause any more problems in the future. With that message, she is sent away.
Tanya started this job with an open mind. That means she didn’t prepare for a hostile attack because she didn’t expect one. She started working at this company with a safe and relaxed feeling. The very first time her colleagues left the coffee machine when she approached, she probably didn’t think too much about it. But when this kept happening, doubts started to creep into her mind. What could be going on? To find out, she arranged a meeting with her manager. Up until that moment, she still had the idea that the behaviour of her colleagues had little to do with her. However, that hope went down the drain by the attitude and message of her manager. That meeting therefore served as a precedent, because what happens once, can happen again (and usually does). As a result, she increasingly starts to wonder whether she can trust him and her colleagues. From now on, every new incident will increase her feeling of insecurity and insignificance. The more incidents that occur, even if only in her mind, the more often her buttons will be pushed on a daily basis – even in the safety of her own home, when mere thinking about the workplace has also turned into an emotional button.
When an environment proves to be toxic for our health and joy in life, it’s better to move on. Image: Tumisu
The above example immediately shows that such a process usually takes place insidiously and unnoticed. This works a bit like the putting-on-your-socks-principle: we are very aware of the socks when we put them on. We feel the sock sliding over our toes, the instep and the ankle, and consciously feel the socks around our feet. However, awareness of our socks evaporates once we’re dressed and walk out the door. Yet they are there all the time, despite the fact that we are no longer aware of them.
In the same way our buttons can be pushed more and more often without us being aware of it. As a result, we tend to slide unnoticed into toxic situations from which it becomes increasingly difficult to get out of. That can happen for instance if Tanya stays too long in a workplace that has become toxic for her. So then the question to ask, becomes: how can we recognize such a slippery slope?
The most obvious clues can be found in our own bodies. In my case, tweaking my back has proven to be an obvious stress injury. Whenever I try to keep too many plates spinning, which pushes my buttons more than I can handle at that moment, sure enough: there goes my back.
Tweaking the back is a well-known stress injury. Image: kevin120415
Other personal examples that have become clear after self-inquiry are: a clearly noticeable violent and rapid heartbeat, pressure on my chest and a hardening of my facial expression when my anger or anxiety buttons are pushed; and my grief buttons usually result in a tight band around my stomach, the feeling of my throat being squeezed shut, tear formation behind my eyeballs and wanting to cry loud and hard.
The physical reactions that occur after a stress response are different for everyone. Some are quite common, such as headaches or migraines, muscle and joint pains, loss of concentration, stomach or intestinal problems or an increasingly shorter fuse, but also heart palpitations or hyperventilation, to name but a few.[2] However, the combination of symptoms and places in the body where the reactions can be felt is unique to each individual.
Stress-related symptoms can also be recognized by the fact that they often recur (our so-called ‘weak spot’) and are in themselves only ‘minor’ injuries. The fact that they recur, however, indicates that we tend to continuously end up in the same kind of problematic situations; in other words, instead of developing as a human being, we continuously keep running in circles. This has to do with our behaviours learned in childhood, because an emotional button triggers a ‘pain’ from childhood that has not yet been processed. As long as these matters are not addressed by us as adults in the here-and-now, every time our buttons are pushed we change into the child that created that button as a protection mechanism and behave accordingly.
That realization had me started with journaling and one of the methods to map my thought and behavioural patterns was to answer five questions after every intense emotional outburst. I have been doing that for more than seven years now and it has paid off, in the sense that the understanding and therefore the compassion for my often silly reactions and emotional behaviour after emotional buttons were pushed grew accordingly. What I could not have imagined, however, was the proportional growth of my understanding and compassion for others at the same time.
Sri Ramana Maharshi was an Indian sage who literally made no distinction between people and their classes or colours, animals, vegetation or any other thing or being imaginable. His compassion was all-embracing. Image: meherbabatravels.com
It is therefore with pleasure that I share this Five Questions For Self-Inquiry© method with you. I recommend answering these questions when calm has returned after a stress response. The high emotion of the moment has then subsided, which enables you to answer the questions with healthy detachment. In addition, try to answer the questions factually and objectively, without attaching a judgment to them.
For me it works pleasantly and enlightening to read back the previous entry before writing a new one. The effect of something for which I had, for example, severely scolded myself, then diminishes and patterns become visible; both of people or situations that can push my buttons, and my automatic and involuntary emotional reactions to them. Nevertheless, feel free to use this method in any way that works best for you.
Freedom to me also means that you can choose to respond differently, or not at all, when your emotional buttons are pushed. Only not from repression, but from compassion. That makes quite a difference for your peace of mind because repression only frustrates and locks you up, while compassion makes you happier and freer.
If you have any questions or comments about this article or the Five Questions Method, please leave a message or contact me using the form. Click here for the extensive methodology in which each question is discussed individually.
Five Questions For Self-Inquiry©
Who or what pushed my buttons?
(or: Who or what triggered the stress response?)What came up in my mind? (Words? Sentences? Images? Ill wishes towards myself or others? Write everything down sincerely, nothing is right or wrong.)
Where was the stress response felt in my body? (And describe the feeling.)[3]
What was the underlying emotion? (anxiety – anger – grief – ecstasy)
What did I do after my buttons were pushed? (Describe your behaviour.)
Good luck and have fun with your research.
Jolly greetings,
Erik Stout
1] Almost all emotional states have one of these four basic emotions as their foundation.
[2] In Fun With Stress 2.4, an extensive list of so-called ‘low-on-energy-symptoms’ is discussed in detail (not published yet).
[3] In addition to the examples already mentioned in this article, one can also think of: not waking up refreshed; cramps or pain in the pelvic area; stone in the stomach; difficulty with swallowing; nausea or dizziness; or the feeling that someone is pulling our stomach out through our oesophagus and mouth.
How self-wise are you?
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