The Seven Kingdoms (2)
Reading time: 9 minutes
Image: Tumisu
The First Kingdom
“Long Live our King Muladhara! We praise our supplier of food, nourishment, edibles, refreshments, meals, fodder, provisions, and rations! Food is all, and all is food! Food is God and God is food! What eats will be eaten, that is the teaching! Long Live our Protector and Supplier of Food, Muladhara!”
Muladhara, king of the little people, sat on a throne made of all kinds of food. Carrots and cauliflowers stuck out at various sides, while the base was made of potatoes and a dried snake served as a halo behind the king’s head. He received his people’s praises humbly and the assembly immediately went quiet as he made a horizontal gesture with a flat hand right before his throat.
“What have you brought me today?” while pointing his zucchini staff at Andy who was sitting on his knees because that way he equalled the little people’s height.
“We don’t really know,” the squadron leader said. “The only response we got out of him was a certain tapping of his thumbs on his fingertips, but we don’t know what it means.”
“Do you understand my words, stranger?” Funny enough, the king’s speech resembled English an awful lot. Moreover, on the way to the palace these people appeared not to harbour a great deal of resentment or wrath towards Andy. So, having slightly overcome his terror (and feeling caught about the tic with his fingers), he decided to converse with the king.
“I do, sir. And please accept my apologies for not communicating with you and your people sooner, but I was in fear of my life because I appear to have lost my Sherpa, and I did not know about the intentions of your people when I first encountered them.”
“I see,” the king replied. “So can you tell me who you are and where you come from?”
“By all means. My name is Andy and I come from the United States of America.” In the silence that followed, where the head of a pin would have been heard if it had fallen, Andy quickly understood how little sense his words had made to the assembly.
“Before I continue, may I ask where I am?”
“You mean you don’t know?” the king asked astoundingly.
“I’m afraid I don’t. I thought I was in Nepal, does that name sound familiar to you?”
“Ne-pal, hmmmmm,” as the king tasted the syllables on his tongue, “No I can’t say that sounds like anything familiar. Oh well, no use in playing charades until the end of time. My dear stranger, you are in the Kingdom of Food. I am Muladhara, the king and ruler over this realm which is the epitome of civilisation. In food we live, thrive, and die. With our mouths we eat what can be eaten, and to eat food is to be food. There is nothing higher than that. So if you’re prepared to eat and be eaten, please feel welcome in our realm.”
“Excuse me, but what do you mean by being prepared to eat and be eaten?” Andy asked a little hesitantly.
“Well, as I said, to eat food is to be food. As long as that is understood, there is harmony throughout the kingdom. Have you seen the buckets down at the crystal lake earlier?” With a shock Andy was reminded of the buckets and tons of dead fish…and dead little people!
“You mean to tell me you’re cannibals?” Andy cried out in horror.
“What do you mean with ‘ca-ni-bals?” the king replied.
“You eat each other?”
“What are you talking about? Of course we eat each other. After we’re dead of course, we don’t eat anything or anyone alive, we’re not barbarians.” At that remark the whole assembly laughed heartily. “But if you don’t appreciate our customs, then why have you come here stranger?”
Andy had to think about that question for a second, still being heavily shocked by the cannibalism of these people.
“Um, well, as a matter of fact, I went on this journey to find meaning.”
“Meaning of what?” the king asked.
“The meaning of life, I suppose. Before I came here, I felt empty, like it didn’t matter if I existed or not.” Andy felt more and more distraught and set all his inhibitions loose. “And then a big moth told me to come here.” To his surprise, everyone nodded and mumbled in agreement.
“Yes, moths tend to be good advisors. Nevertheless, my dear stranger, you have come to the right place, because the meaning of life is obviously food! Without food, there is no life, and without life, there is no food! So now, let’s eat!” A big cheer arose from the crowd after the king had spoken, and servants carrying large silver domes walked up towards large, rectangular, and already made tables behind the king’s throne.
Andy was given a place next to the king and as the feast took off, his mind began to wander: ‘I’ve actually never thought of food in this way, in the sense that to eat food is to be food. Yet come to think of it, life actually does appear to be a mutual eating society, where everything eats everything else. If that is the case, how strange it is that we withdraw ourselves out of the equation, with our burning and embalming and burying. Just like dead animals become food for other animals or turn back into soil, why don’t we want to thank nature for all the food that we’ve eaten all our lives by letting others feed on our corpse once we’ve passed on? My goodness, I actually found the meaning of life! I am allowed to donate my body not to science, but to nature!’
A very warm glow filled his belly, and he felt a thunderbolt of love emerging from his heart into every direction.
“Thank you! Thank you for showing me the meaning of life!” he shouted, while shaking the king’s hand with so much passion that the king was almost launched off his chair.
“Hahaha, you’re very welcome dear stranger, but please be careful, I don’t have to turn into food yet. Now eat, drink, and be merry!”
The dinner party had turned into a true bacchanal. Andy had never tasted so many exquisite foods and wines before in his whole life, and the quantity of it all had put him in a long, deep, and dreamless sleep. He was welcomed the next morning with a headache and a hangover, but since he felt he had achieved his goal, those manifestations appeared rather insignificant, and with a smile he opened his eyes, to stare into the eyes of the most beautiful young lady he’d ever seen in his whole life. Moreover, and this was significant: she was his size.
The Second Kingdom
Feeling totally overwhelmed, underdressed, and embarrassed, all he could stumble out was a faint “Hello.” In a millisecond it felt as if thousands of tiny gnomes were violently pricking pins into his skull, and his stomach decided to turn upside down and inside out all by itself.
“Are you all right?” the apparition asked with a voice sweeter than the sweetest honey he’d ever tasted.
“Urgh…” he tried while not knowing where to look, because every time he faced her, two forest green eyes stared at him with a tenderness he’d never felt before (and something else, which he couldn’t quite place) – which made him feel fuzzy and uncomfortable at the same time. Finally, with strenuous effort and herculean might, he was able to formulate a sentence, albeit a short one:
“Who are you?”
A smile with the capacity to melt glaciers greeted him before the lips parted to provide him with the answer.
“My name is Svadhisthana, and this is my queendom.”
“Am I not in the kingdom of Food?” Svadhisthana covered her mouth with one hand while she looked down and giggled softly.
“No, my dear and handsome stranger, that is the realm of Muladhara, who thinks civilisation reached its peak with food. Has he persuaded you into the same perception?”
“Um, well, it sounds quite logical, doesn’t it? I mean, we do appear to be living in a mutual eating society after all.”
“Yes, but where does the food come from? For surely food doesn’t emerge out of thin air. Moreover, food always starts out small and needs to grow before it can turn into food and be consumed. So tell me, what needs to happen for food to emerge and grow?” As she spoke these words, her gaze imperceptibly transformed from tender to mischievous, and didn’t miss its effect on certain parts of Andy’s anatomy, whose head turned bright red instantly.
“Ah, well, um, ahem, you see…”
He tried, he really did, but he had never been able to express himself easily in the company of women, especially not about matters of the flesh – let alone to the most beautiful lady he’d ever laid eyes on.
“Yes?”
He was so hoping she’d say it for him. But all that happened was her almond shaped, forest green eyes staring at him from a slightly tilted face, with one eyebrow slightly raised, as if to say: ‘come on, you can do it, I have faith in you’. So while his heart raced in his chest, his member wouldn’t lie down and his face felt like a furnace, he finally gave up all hope and shouted:
“Sex! You’re obviously talking about sex! There, I’ve said it!” He felt like the safety valve of a pressure cooker had been opened to let the excess steam out. Actually he was sure it was coming out of his ears.
“Hmmm, yes beautiful stranger, it is indeed sex,” she said as if it was as normal a topic of discussion as a the weather.
“Come, there is much I wish to show you.” And with that she took his hand, escorted him out of the room and into the entrance hall of a marvellous palace, where little alcoves were hidden in corners and covered with white and pink cushions, while paintings of lovemaking people and Cupid in different shapes and sizes covered the walls and ceilings.
“Naturally we need food, but for food to emerge there needs to be fertilization, which happens by means of sex. This is the same for every part of life, be it vegetable, animal, or human.” She walked up the main stairs in the middle of the hall, leading Andy towards two big, half-moon shaped doors behind which, so he assumed, was some kind of dance or music hall, for he heard music and laughter coming from within.
“Without sex there is no life, and without life there is no sex, my dear stranger. Sex is the highest of the highest, the goddess who watches over all, and in her praise we celebrate whenever we can.” While speaking her last words, she opened the doors which revealed the sights of dancing, laughing, and lovemaking as far as the eyes could see.
Andy’s lower jaw almost hit the floor when his brain finally caught up with the meaning of the information his eyes and ears were feeding it, and Queen Svadhisthana laughed heartily while seeing his obvious astonishment dripping off of him like Niagara Falls. She then took him by the hand and escorted him into the crowd, which consisted of people of all shapes, sizes, and colours. It was the most versatile bunch of people he’d ever seen mashed together – quite literally in some instances – and he had no idea how to behave, or where to look.
“As you can see, we are much into sharing, but in this case I’m going to use my privilege as queen to have you for myself first for a while. As the highest of the highest, please let me introduce you to our goddess, my beautiful stranger. Let’s make love and pay praise Sex for its life giving gift.” Putting her money where her mouth is, she laid him down in her private royal alcove and closed the curtains behind her.
Then a moment of clarity hit him like a sledgehammer.
“Wonderful queen, I need to ask you one question before we proceed.”
“Anything, dear stranger.”
“Would you say that sex is the meaning of life?”
Again that mischievous gaze, but now also mixed with a little amazement.
“Wouldn’t you?”
He smiled the smile of one who appeared to have lost all anxiety.
“Thank you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.” Being completely sure to have found what he was looking for, he was now able to relax and gave himself completely to the Queen…and her entourage.
In the next part: The Third Kingdom.
Jolly greetings,
Erik Stout
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