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Once upon a time, yours truly worked as a physiotherapist when an elderly lady came in. She walked like the hunchback of Notre Dame and was apparently in a lot of pain. After hearing her story she merely strained her back a few days before, which in itself most of the time is but a minor injury yet it can be quite painful.

Being in her eighties and not medically trained, she was afraid something in her back was broken. In her perception pain equalled fracture, so no wonder she was scared. Most of the pain from a strained back however usually comes from heavily cramped up muscles in the back due to a heavy contraction at the moment of the sprain.[1] So instead of treating her physically, I educated her about the anatomy of the back while simultaneously explaining the mechanism of a strain. All the while I kept on asking and checking if she could follow the story and encouraging her to ask questions if there was something she didn’t understand. As soon as she began to ask questions I knew she was getting engaged and gradually a new story was developing in her mind regarding her sore back. In the end pain did not equal fracture anymore in her story of the back strain, but acted as an alarm which said: “Handle this region with care, move as much as you can but within the pain limits.” And where she was looking at the floor upon entering the room, her gaze was almost horizontal by the time she left. A major change had taken place in her perception and because of that, the energy she formerly wasted on worrying about her back could now be fully utilized for the recovery and relaxation process.

Her change in perception became possible because trust was established by confirmation of some of her other important stories, one of them probably going something along the lines of: ‘If someone asks me questions, sincerely listens to what I say, and offers me the time and chance to ask questions as well, that individual can be trusted.’ As soon as she got engaged in the alternative story about her back pain, her mind was opening up to new information which ultimately altered her own back-pain story. Her perception changed and what was first anxiety had turned into engagement and curiosity, clearing the way for her physical body to use all the available energy for healing and relaxation.

Perception belongs to the realm of consciousness. Therefore we can say that a change in perception is a change in consciousness, for it alters the way in which we view the world. The case of the elderly lady provides an apt example of a perception that caused stress, energy leakage and impaired recovery. Hence what needed attention before anything else was her perception.

Many of the stories that form the core of our belief system are based on ignorance. In the above example the lady wasn’t medically trained, and the sources from which she obtained medical information were different from the average medical journal. But if I would hardly have listened to her story, and my treatment would have sent her home in more pain than she arrived with, no matter what I would have said, she wouldn’t have believed a word. Consequently her erroneous perception on her medical status would have prevailed and probably even grew stronger.

Therefore, in order for perception to change to our advantage there has to be trust. One of the fastest ways to create trust is a sincere willingness to get to know someone else’s perception, but that can only be present when we are not afraid of being ‘wrong’ or making a ‘mistake’. Yet in the perception of many that appears to be the worst thing imaginable. If so, we tend to be very meticulous in making sure that we’re absolutely right. But as soon as we are though, come hell or high water will we change our opinion, and thus our perception, because for whatever reason the stress and/or pain of a mistake is too much to bear.

An interesting story tells about a straight A student who had made a B in a class and considered suicide. According to author and counsellor Kimberley Key: “He described how his father had perfect standards for him and his siblings and that he would be disowned with a B in class, and that he would have rather taken his life than experience his father’s wrath.” In the father obviously the perception had taken root that mistakes are bad, if not outright evil. Being convinced to be doing what is best, he wants to keep his offspring out of the malice of mistakes or wrongness by threatening with disownment if they do; that is to say if they make mistakes in his perception. Since children more often than not copy the behaviour of their parents, the student had nearly copied his father’s aversion against mistakes.[2] If that would have happened, surely the same detrimental perception would have been handed down another generation.

Detrimental because the perfectionism portrayed by the father breeds intolerance, unhappiness and distrust. Whenever we meet people with very strong and rigid opinions and perceptions, please remember that inflexibility arises out of insecurity. As a general rule we can state that the louder we shout, the tighter we hold the reigns, the more insecure we are. In the case of the father there is a good chance that his dominant parent was authoritarian,[3] with a tendency to severely punish him when ‘mistakes’ were made. Punishing, however, especially when it’s not balanced by love, laughter, hugs and affection, breeds anxiety and distrust by default. Accepting that we are fallible and that we all make mistakes opens the door to compassion, peace, gratitude, merriment and relaxation.[4]

Before we move on to ways of increasing trust and thereby a curious and engaging attitude to life, we have to discuss another feature that has a great deal of influence on our perception. This is our point of view, for in certain cases different perceptions can be equally correct. Imagine a large number 6 drawn in the sand on a beach. Two people view it; one is at the bottom of the figure and the other at the top. To the person standing at the bottom the figure indeed looks like a six, but to the one standing at the top it looks like a number nine. Both perceptions are correct, but if the observers are not willing to view the figure from the others viewpoint, their observation is likely to end in conflict.

Now in order for a change in perception to take place there has to be a preliminary state of openness and curiosity, a willingness to admit we don’t know everything and a wish to broaden our view. Yet how do we get there? Particularly if we’re being ruled by inflexibility and distrust, any advice given that doesn’t match our own perception or points of view will be regarded as dangerous or threatening – regardless where it comes from. So if advice proves mostly ineffective, what other devices do we have at our disposal for getting into an open, receptive frame of mind? Without pretending to be complete, let’s discuss two of them: disappointment and personal experience.

Speaking from personal experience, disappointment was necessary to remove my blinders of riches and fame – which were required to be obtained in order to feel free, safe and happy. At age 34 a break in music finally appeared within reach when a call came if I could help out one of Holland’s most talented and notorious hard rock bands. Their drummer quit in the middle of a tour and they needed a replacement fast. I learned the set list and a week later played the first gig with them. Being announced their new drummer sent me flying, but the jubilation didn’t last long as the level of professionalism and camaraderie within the band came nowhere near my expectations. I remember thinking: “If this is what it means to be a professional musician, I’d rather not be one.” It was at that moment my dream to ‘make it’ in music died, and less than a year after joining the band I left, with a curious mix of disappointment and…relief.

Because in reality, and quite paradoxically, the conviction that freedom could be found by means of riches and fame turned out to be a self-made prison. Attachment to that conviction narrowed my perception to a lean tunnel. That is not to say that there were no joyful moments and experiences, but there was no room for discovering the particular talents and passions of my organism. When the unfeasibility of the ‘riches and fame dream’ were acknowledged and accepted, the whole world opened up to start discovering what befitted me as a complete organism (in contrast to what I want).

In the realm of personal experience I’ll share another story that might prove recognizable for all of you who are students (or once were). Back in 2014, as a 40 year old student I had successfully made it halfway physiotherapy college. Yet being a first time student, I was mesmerized by all the knowledge and skills we were allowed to learn and practise. Moreover the conviction grew that I could ‘cure’ an innumerable about of ailments, so all I wanted was to share these amazing insights and skills with as many as possible. Despite my perceived(!) enthusiasm it became quite obvious quite quickly that as soon as I got on my high-physiotherapy-horse, people quite literally turned away from me. That marked the introduction to the phenomenon that unasked-for advice was not appreciated at all. The interesting thing was, however, that even though my advice was not asked for or appreciated, there was no depreciation of me. In other words, I was allowed to make the ‘mistake’ of giving unasked-for advice, but other than not listening there wasn’t any punishment for it. Most people understood my enthusiasm and left it at that. And as soon as I began to recognize what was going on, pretty quickly my behaviour changed into talking about physiotherapy only when the topic came up or if someone particularly asked for it. In this case the experience of being allowed to make a mistake created trust in my abilities to learn and adjust.

Finally we’ll discuss one other widely spread perception which is nothing short of a fallacy of the largest order, namely that ‘everyone sees me as I see myself.’ This one was in my case completely and indefinitely destroyed while giving a workshop on workplace safety with a colleague physiotherapist to two groups of construction workers.

Our program consisted of a theoretical and practical part. In the theoretical part we particularly discussed the influence of stress on focus and concentration. We exchanged thoughts on how to recognize stress in ourselves and others, and how it could negatively impact safety in oftentimes difficult working conditions for these guys. For the practical part we set up a track with different stations in their factory shed. Every station represented a particular element of their actual working conditions where they had to perform certain movements reminiscent of different circumstances. Moreover we put a competition element in it, to make it a little more fun.

In the morning we started with the first group. After the theoretical part went fine, we went to the shed for the track. The group was divided in six subgroups, the rules were explained, and every subgroup went to their designated station. My colleague gave the starting signal… and then all hell broke loose. In my opinion, what was planned as a well-organized workshop turned into complete mayhem. The guys were obviously having a lot of fun, but we totally lost control of the situation when it came to the goals we had set ourselves to achieve. What was left to ‘control’ was to make sure every group saw all the stations, and provide guidance and advice as to the do’s and don’ts under different working and weather conditions.

Now we had made forms for the groups in order to obtain feedback about the workshop and our performance therein. Yet after the track debacle with the first group, I had serious anxiety about asking them to fill in the form. Having discussed it with my colleague, we still decided to ask them for feedback. And then two completely unexpected things happened. The first one being that every one of the guys was more than willing to fill in our form. I already found that curious since in my mind they knew as well as I did how bad we screwed up, so why would they grant us any more of their time?

The second came after the last one closed the door behind him. We had about two hours for lunch and to prepare for the afternoon group. “Do we dare to read what they wrote?” I asked my colleague. With the proverbial tail between our legs we grabbed the first form to read their feedback. It read something along these lines: “By far the best workshop we’ve ever had. Finally people were not only telling us how to do our job, but sincerely listened to us and gave advice specifically tailored for us and our workplace circumstances. Please come back!” I couldn’t believe it. But upon reading the next one, and another one, the basic message mimicked the one quoted. My jaw dropped to the floor because of: a) the specific feedback, but especially because of: b) the infinitely wide gap between my perception of the workshop and theirs.

At that moment I knew, not just intellectually but with my whole being, that nobody sees me as I see myself. That realization came together with an amazing sense of relief. Because before, with the conviction that everyone sees me as I do, comes the obligation to continuously only show the best parts of me (mind you, the best parts of me…perceived by ME). Imagine the frustration when I’m convinced to show the best part of me yet that’s not acknowledged or downright ignored – in my perception! So with the falling away of this conviction also the obligation to continuously and only be the ‘best’ of me falls away, because there is the realization that I only have very little, if any, control over how others see and experience me. Again we see a paradox: the conviction being that controlling how others see me brings me safety and relaxation, where in fact it only brings stress and tension. The release of the conviction, which is effectively the release of obsessively having to ‘hold ourselves together’ hundred percent of the time, is what brings actual relaxation.

These are but a couple of the countless examples where deeply rooted convictions and beliefs were shattered by life experiences. The more convictions were shattered, the more it became obvious how rigid and inflexible my thinking and behaviour had become, and how it had narrowed my perception. Because instead of treating convictions and beliefs as living entities subject to change, I relentlessly held on to the versions as they first formed in my mind. So while everything else changed and life went on as it always does, these convictions remained obstinately the same. The longer that situation remained, the more they began to act as a slowly tightening noose around my neck.

Having the noose shattered means freedom, and freedom means a rapid change in perception on multiple levels. Holding on to inflexible convictions and beliefs for too long a time narrows our perception, breeds anxiety, stress and loads of tension. While if they are allowed to change with the times and breathe, our perception broadens, which breeds curiosity, relaxation and a lot of fun! Therefore I encourage you to investigate if there are still inflexible beliefs, ideas or convictions lurking somewhere in the nooks and crannies of your mind. If there are, and you’ve put the spotlight on them, surely life will hand you experiences and disappointments by which they can be shattered. Loosen the noose around your neck and find out what freedom means for you!

Jolly greetings,
Erik Stout

[1] The moment of sprain doesn’t necessarily mean the pain from cramped muscles is immediately felt. It can easily take a day or two to fully develop.

[2] Fortunately the student worked through the illogic of his thought processes and eventually learned to relax and find acceptance within himself, without the perfectionist monkey on his back.

[3] In most families one of the two parents assume the dominant role, from which the offspring will receive the most direct influence.

[4] Besides, the only way we can learn anything is by making mistakes. As Albert Einstein said: “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

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The Healing Power of Perception

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