Emotional Buttons, Stress, Self-examination and Relaxation
Reading time: 9 minutes
As soon as we’re triggered (or: when our buttons are pushed) we’ll experience a stress reaction. That is to say, our brain assumes danger and, as a result, makes physiological adjustments in the body deal with it. This is also known as the ’fight or flight‘ or ’stress response’.
Whether the threat is real or not, when our brain assumes danger, it ensures that our body is prepared for action. From the brain, a signal is given to the adrenal glands to pump adrenaline and/or cortisol into the body. Energy is released from stores in the body and is taken to the muscles that need it most. The heart rate goes up, the breathing rate goes up, our skeletal muscles tighten and if a button is pushed very hard and our brain assumes grave danger, the digestive system (immediately) and immune system (in the event of a persistent threat) will be shut down. That makes sense because if an armed person comes running in our direction with a lot of noise, we want to put all our energy into making sure that we get away. In such an event it’s not very useful if part of our available energy goes to digesting our falafel or to the patrolling spies and soldiers of our immune system; those processes are allowed to resume when the threat is over.
Our stress response is a defence mechanism that protects us from external danger. When we were still hunter-gatherers roaming about the lands and came face to face with dangerous predators, at first our fear button was pushed hard. The brain assumed – and rightly so – that if no action was taken, there would be no brain left to do anything in the future, so a forceful stress reaction was set in motion. In milliseconds it was assessed whether an escape route was available. If so, then all the available energy in the body went to the leg muscles to make ourselves scarce like there was no tomorrow. If not, then intense frustration arose that quickly turned into blind rage. All available energy now went to the chest and arm muscles to try to beat and kick ourselves out of harm’s way. The fear button turned into an anger button and both were effective. Of course, such a reaction took a lot of energy, yet in any case such a situation would probably not last so long. We ended up either safe or as lunch, and in the first case we then had time to recover and above all: refuel. That means eating, preferably in a quiet and safe place with enough energy for our digestive system to digest the food and refill our internal fuel tank.
A stress reaction takes energy and during such a reaction our digestive system, roughly said, doesn’t perform all that much. To replenish the energy expended, we need rest and relaxation (both physically and mentally) because then our digestion works at its best and our energy supply is replenished. Immediately we see that when our buttons are pushed continuously, we get less and less energy from our digestion because it is ‘off’ for longer and longer. Our resilience can also be affected if the same applies to the immune system.
If we assume that in this day and age we hardly ever find ourselves in life-threatening situations, how is it possible that so many of us are constantly being triggered? That has to do with the change of our societies which have become increasingly complex. It is beyond the scope of this blogpost to elaborate on this, but one obvious feature is that today’s buttons are to be found overwhelmingly in the emotional realm. Despite the absence of an acute life-threatening situation, our brain still assumes danger and gives a stress reaction for protection.
An example: We are about to make an important final exam. On a subconscious level, the fear button can be pushed, because we never know in advance the outcome of our work. We are not dealing with an acute life-threatening situation here, but because a button has been pushed, our brain triggers a stress reaction. About an hour before the start, the tension starts to build up and we feel a little nervous. That in itself is fine because one of the effects of the stress response is that it makes us alert. During the exam we should focus on the work and not on what we want to eat tonight. As soon as the test begins, we can direct our full attention on it and probably aren’t very aware anymore of our own nervousness. After closing the door of the exam hall behind us, the feeling of relief and relaxation probably follows because the degree of alertness that we needed for the test is no longer necessary. Our brain understands this perfectly and stops the stress response.
So far, the stress response is effective. It provides the alertness needed to accomplish an important task and stops when we have left the ‘threatening’ environment (the exam hall). But imagine that we’d have to take final tests in exam halls every day, about ten hours a day, where each test is equally important. Our heart, lungs and skeletal muscles work overtime (and get cramped) while our digestive and immune systems begin to perform less and worse.
But Erik, nobody has to take ten hours of final exams every day. You're grossly exaggerating. Think so? Janice's story says something else. She enthusiastically starts a new job as a computer expert at a large company. After a few weeks, since she has been hired as an expert, she suggests some IT improvements to her team leader. He reacts enthusiastically, says that he will immediately start working on it and will get back to her on the topic shortly. Janice feels heard and appreciated. After a week or two, she notices that the chatty colleagues at the coffee machine suddenly leave as she approaches. When she needs help or information, some begin to ignore her. She doesn't understand what's going on, so she arranges a meeting with her team leader to ask for advice. In that meeting the he ignores her question about the behaviour of her colleagues. Instead, he raises his speaking volume to where he sounds angry. With an authoritarian attitude he tells her that the IT improvements she proposed are impractical and far too expensive. The current system is running fine and she would do well not to cause any more problems in the future. With that message, she is sent away.
Janice started this job open minded. That means she's not bracing herself for any hostile impact because she doesn't expect one. She joined this company feeling safe and relaxed. The very first time colleagues left the coffee machine as she approached she probably will not have thought much about it. But when this continued doubts began to creep into her head. What could be going on? To find out, she arranges a meeting with the team leader. Until that moment she is still convinced that the behaviour of her colleagues has probably not much to do with her. That hope is however crushed by the attitude and message of the team leader. Said meeting therefore serves as a precedent, because what happened once can happen again. She begins to wonder more and more if she can trust the team leader and her colleagues. From now on, each new incident will increase her sense of insecurity and insignificance. The more incidents occur, even if only in her own mind, the more often her buttons will be pushed daily, triggering her every time into a stress reaction. In a worst case scenario this can go so far that even in her own home she can get triggered if mere thinking about the workplace has turned into an emotional button.
In addition to exhaustion, other diseases and discomforts are now lurking because there comes a point that the continuous ‘on’ situation becomes the new normal for Janice. That works a bit like the putting-on-socks-principle: We are very aware of our socks when we put them on. We feel the sock slipping over the toes, the instep and the ankle and are well aware that the socks are around the feet. Though once we are dressed there is no longer any awareness of the socks on our feet. Yet they are present all the time despite the fact that we are no longer aware of it. In the same way, our buttons can be pushed without us realizing it. In the long run, we get dog tired, irritated, perhaps sick and not at all jolly. So it can yield a lot if we become aware of a stress reaction when takes place in us.
But how do we know when our buttons are being pushed? Because often the trigger has already disappeared before we know it. Then we are left with a feeling of being agitated without knowing where that comes from and that can work as a trigger again. The most obvious clues though are found in our body. The physiological adaptations of the stress response can be felt, provided we focus our attention on it. Yet that’s one of the hardest things to do because we tend to focus our attention on who or what pushed our button, not on ourselves. How to change that? And how can that be beneficial?
Five questions for self-examination©
Our buttons can only be pushed if they exist in us. If there are no buttons present, they cannot be pushed and we cannot be triggered into a stress response. So when we are triggered, that means buttons are present - and pushed.
When we are triggered into a stress response or emotional state and want to discover which people and/or circumstances can push our buttons, the five questions below can serve as a valuable tool. The idea is that we are going to connect with our body by starting to recognize where different feelings or emotions express themselves (for example, a stone in the stomach in case of deep sadness or palpitations/hyperventilation in case of fear or anger).
When we write down the answers to these questions consistently and for a longer period each time our buttons are pushed, patterns can become visible – for example, who or what kind of circumstances are able to push them buttons. Next, we can figure out what those buttons stand for and when they originated. In addition, if we can link one of the four main emotions (fear, anger, sadness, ecstasy) to certain locations and sensations in our body, they can give indications that emotional buttons were pushed, even if the trigger itself was not consciously experienced (for example, when our own thoughts push our buttons; often the thought in question has already disappeared from our consciousness but we feel its effects because we have been triggered into the stress response). Working this way we can remember when the feeling arose and trace the trigger/button.
The relaxation is in improving the understanding of why we think what we think, feel what we feel and do what we do. Often when we are triggered it feels like a highly uncomfortable feeling somewhere in our body and we want nothing more than to get rid of it as soon as possible. Distraction behaviour is then lurking such as eating, drinking, smoking, swiping social media for hours, gambling, sex & pornography, working (!), shopping and so on. The more links we can make to events and circumstances that created a particular button in the past, the faster we understand why we are triggered by certain people or circumstances. That understanding provides relaxation because it feels less and less like an unpleasant surprise when the button in question is pushed. The power of that button becomes less and less and the stress response milder and milder, so that there comes a time when we laugh at our own reaction. As soon as that kind of humour surfaces, we know that an old pain is being processed (or: mentally digested) and the button is shrivelling.
It is recommended to answer these questions when calm has returned after a stress response. The high emotion of the moment is then diminished which allows us to answer the questions with healthy detachment. In addition, try to answer the questions factually and objectively, without attaching a judgment to them. Here they are:
1. Who or what triggered me to the stress response/emotional state? (or: Who or what pushed one or more of my emotional buttons?)
2. What came up in my mind? (Words? Sentences? Images? Ill wishes towards myself or others? Write everything down sincerely, nothing is right or wrong.)
3. Where was the stress response felt in my body? Describe the feeling.
4. What was the underlying emotion? (fear – anger – sadness – ecstasy)
5. What did I do? (or: how did I behave?)
Have fun researching!
Jolly greetings,
Erik Stout
P.S.: Also write down events and circumstances that often pop up in your mind at night. If, when writing, you find yourself reacting emotionally in some way (irritation, anger, disapproval, annoyance, sadness, fear, or whatever), then you can consider writing down that event as a button being pushed and triggering a stress response. Then you immediately answered the first of the five questions and subsequently you can try to answer the rest.